| music . . . |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|06:05 pm] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Kurt Vile | ] |
So I'm posting this song mostly for Kyle but everyone should listen to it too.
New music from Kurt Vile, I like the way it sounds. Repetition and patterns in the guitar line with heavy reverb and wailing vocals . . . good stuff.
I've read a lot lately about how rock, at least indie rock, has kind of "gone the way of the beard" which I suppose I am in favor of. Like I'd say my current music idols are like Noah Lennox, Robin Pecknold, Jim James, M. Ward, Justin Vernon, etc. and probably most of those guys would get their asses kicked easily in a fight, but I don't know. It's a new brand of rock star I guess . . . |
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| :) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|01:13 am] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Bon Iver | ] |
I think I can upgrade my general happiness from about 80% to maybe 95% . . . though I'm sure that the end of the semester shit storm will probably bump things down to a 40 or 30, but for now I'm going to go ahead and ride the wave. |
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| More music |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|04:53 pm] |
Dead Man's Bones
This band is pretty cool, a little late with Halloween just passed, but I like their sound, and this song gets stuck in your head. Some actor is the lead singer, Ryan Gosling? I have no idea who he is . . . But I like the children's choir singing background.
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
This band is really cool. It's like 10 crazy hippies who travel around in a bus and make music. I just love the musicians who don't have day jobs you know? Like, they're not real people who can integrate themselves into society, they're on another level. This song gets stuck in your head too.
Good stuff. |
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| METAL |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|01:08 am] |
I don't know why, but I like this.
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| Hmfphsrkglr |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|12:28 am] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Dead Man's Bones - My Body's a Zombie For You | ] |
Feelings right now . . . It's kind of the three stooges effect. 3 people at the same time trying to get through a door so rapidly and hap-hazardly that they all become stuck. That's the way I'm experiencing life right now. I have some good ideas for music, but no time it seems . . . maybe sometime soon.
At least 20 times a day, my inner dialogue concludes with "I don't know, I just don't know, whatever, I don't know why I do what I do, or what I want, or what I'm thinking or anything." It makes it hard to decide what to do. Hence my horrible indecisiveness and ability to make decisions. But I don't care? I don't know, I know I have to care about some things, I just don't see much of a reason to.
Lately I've been trying to understand my emotions more, and stop myself before I act on them. I wish I knew why I did what I did, or why I feel the way I do when certain things happen. Slowly peeling myself apart, to hopefully find some nugget of something I can make sense of, and hopefully not just an empty husk. Whatever that means. Silly.
The main thing I dislike about all of this uncertainty is that it often makes me just seem shy and insecure, something I didn't really used to be. But I've grown so much, and learned so much . . . especially since last year. And I remember last year thinking about how much I'd grown since the year before, so I guess it's a positive progression.
I just have no idea what I want. I don't really think I want to date anyone . . . though I do want to get laid with some regularity, I guess that just makes me a run of the mill douchebag, but maybe I'm ok with that. I just need to learn to take things for what they are, and not try to turn them into something they're not. Live in the moment I suppose. I do like the idea of having a girlfriend, sometimes at least. Having someone to cuddle with, sleep with, go out with, express yourself physically with. But I just really don't want to deal with the bullshit. So I don't think I will. I like the idea of being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whoever I want. It just makes me horribly depressed when I watch couples my age act like married couples, asking each other permission to go out, admonishing each other about their eating/drinking habits, saying the words "baby" or "honey" in either a whining or authoritative tone. I believe that a relationship doesn't have to be like that. So I won't do it again until I find someone and a situation that is different. And if that doesn't happen, ok. I can still have fun. Now I am quite certain that my views will probably change once I leave college, and the pace of life slows, and I get lonely and my life descends into mediocrity, but that hasn't happened yet. Maybe it's selfish, but currently I'm not hurting anyone.
I do like girls though . . . I really like girls. That's why I like being in a situation where I can hang out somewhat intimately with a few different girls on a random basis. Now if I can just line up a semi-regular booty call I'll be good to go. (Joking? maybe not, go ahead and judge me)
So I met a girl at a bar on Halloween while I was quite drunk and got her number, but I'm not sure if I'm going to call her . . . I just think it might be awkard, "Hey, yeah, I'm the guy who was dressed like the Nam vet, we took shots and danced to Thriller, want to go get coffee?" I have no idea what the protocol is for when you should call a girl, or what kind of date you should ask her on or any of that. Sigh, although drunk Paul had the courage to ask for her number, sober Paul will probably overthink himself into an anxious mess and never end up calling her, just like last time . . . I keep thinking about calling this cute girl I met at a blue grass show whose number I got like 2 months ago and never called, but I'm afraid at this point I'd just come across as desperate and creepy. FML
Oh Halloween, while the combination of booze and costumes works out well, knee high boots make the walk home the next morning a little awkward . . .
Oh LJ . . . although sometimes I'm embarrassed about having a blog, it is therapeutic to just get things out . . . |
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| Bah! |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|10:13 pm] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Dr. Dog! | ] |
Went to a show at the bottleneck last night, Dr. Dog. They were AWESOME. I just love when a band sounds awesome live, especially in a little place like the bottleneck. Great harmonies, the guitar sounded great. Like, it was a lot different than studio stuff, but still really good. I definitely recommend checking them out.
The guy who opened was really interesting too. His name was Jeffrey Lewis, and I've heard him described as "anti-folk" kind of like the moldy peaches I guess, but it was cool. He had a few songs that had visual components as well, but this video might give you an impression of what he's like. Really poetic I thought, even if it is simplistic and poor singing . . . The songs about him maybe meeting Bonnie Prince Billie, who I just recently started listening to. Anyway, the pursuit of hipness I guess, how silly. Last night at the concert probably almost half of the people were wearing flannel. I remember in highschool, and as recently as 2 years ago, people made fun of me for wearing flannel calling me a lumber jack. Now everyone's doing it . . . silly silly silly.
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| Another strange open question . . . |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|05:27 pm] |
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So for Halloween, I was thinking that it would be funny to go as Waldo from where's Waldo, because it wouldn't be too hard to do, all I need to do is find a striped shirt and hat. I think I can find a red and white stripe shirt, but that hat might be harder. I used to have one that worked, but I think I gave it away . . . So, I know that a lot of you knit/do other various craftwork, and I was wondering if someone would maybe be willing to make me a red and white striped hat? I would definitely be willing to cover the cost of materials and pay for labor too! I don't know how long it would take, but I just thought I'd ask while I still have 3 weeks to figure things out . . . |
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| Late |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|02:03 am] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Fleet Foxes - Tiger Mountain Peasant Song | ] |
Thoughts going through my head, I'm curious a lot. I have a question for anyone who reads this, and I really do mean it in a sincere way. When I was younger, I was pretty combative about my political and religious beliefs, and sometimes I still am I guess . . . but I really don't mean to be, it's something I'm trying to shake. In reality, I don't care one way or the other, I just want to understand both sides, all sides better. Ok, so here's my question. How can christianity reconcile itself with capitalism? Like how do the two of them fit together? Like materialism,consumerism, mega churches "trickle down theory" and most conservative/neo-liberal economic policies don't seem to fit in with christianity. Not that christianity has necessarily ever been congruent with any of the economic, social, and political systems with which it has coexisted. Though I guess that this stuff now is really not that much worse than what the catholic church has done. The catholic church has done some really bad, and downright crazy stuff. Buh, I feel like I'm writing a paper. School has completely ruined my ability to enjoy life. Here I am sitting up at 2 a.m. on a Friday night pondering the economic aspects of religion. FML.
During fall break, my room mate and I have plans to lock ourselves in our music room starting at like 6 in the evening with a cooler of beers and a room full of instruments, and just record whatever comes out. I'm hoping we go on late, and get pretty messed up to the point where we're playing harmonica, and trumpet, and using the drum sticks I bought to bang on the ice cream and coffee jugs that we've saved. That seems like a lot of fun to me. I think of that as church. Music is often an emotional catharsis for me, which I see to be the point of worship. Eh. I don't know. I don't really care.
Lately, I feel like I've had to defend myself for being a democrat/defend the Obama administration and whatever they do, and I don't know how I feel about it. One of my friends referred to him as "Obamanazi" . . . I don't know, even if you don't like him, can he really be as bad as Bush? He started a war on false pre-tenses. And repeatedly lied to the American people and pandered to special interests. Guh, sometimes I hate listening to myself, because I figure people will hear what I say and write it off as typical liberal propaganda. But isn't it the truth? How can you spin it so that he was a good president/person? I would be willing to listen to a serious and rational answer to that.
But when you think about it Obama really hasn't done anything bad yet . . . though he really hasn't done too much at all. Like today, when people were talking about Obama winning the peace prize, most of the students I talked to were like "I don't get it, he didn't even do anything! This is dumb!" and that's students at KU . . . People definitely aren't as hyped as they used to be I don't think. I guess I'm not either, I did remove my Obama bumper sticker, but still kept my rolling stone cover with him hung up on my wall, so take that for what it's worth. I think it's funny to refer to Obama as "Black Jesus". It usually gets a reaction. I know a guy who has a bumper sticker that says "Nope" in the same font as Obama's "Hope" and then at the bottom it says "I already have a Messiah". That guy's pretty bat-shit crazy. But my favorite thing to tell conservative people who are grilling me about Obama is that he isn't liberal enough for me. Which is true I suppose. Democrat or Republican, the fact is that they're both rich, and money trumps ideology every time.
That's what it all comes down to. That's why I cringe when people refer to me as a democract. I feel like maybe I've drifted beyond that, but I don't know. I have very liberal personal beliefs, or the way I would like things to be, namely like scientific democratic socialism, whatever that may mean. But at the same time, I understand how things actually are, and that I can't expect everyone to share my beliefs, so in my actions I try to go as much within the system as I can, and exact change in little, un-ignorable but genuine ways. Like smiling at people, or playing music, or just being nice. Maybe I'm a hippie, but the way I see it, being a hippie never hurt anyone, and what's the alternative? Bigotry? Racism? Discrimination? Slavery? Exploitation? What good is any system or world view which supports those things? Ha, maybe I'm being extreme. Who cares. But really what other point to life is there but to enjoy yourself and get along with other people. God, I'm so lame. I'm sure this will be fun to read in 10 years.
Ok, I've written enough. Sometimes I hate this whole culture of posting our lives on the internet. all this twitter and facebook and lj and email and instant message and internet cell phones . . . But there is something about it, it's part of our generation. I mean, I guess it's kind of egotistic, but I like to put my thoughts out there for others to view. It's selfish and big headed I suppose, but who can resist it? And I do kind of like reading some peoples blogs or ljs. It feels more genuine sometimes, to hear somebody's candid thoughts. I think we get tired of formal information. Hence reality tv . . . and I'm off somewhere else completely. Whatever. Time for sleep. |
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| Fear! |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|02:47 am] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Super Furry Animals - Juxtaposed | ] |
Thoughts on fear? Skydiving made me consider it. I don't know if I'm afraid of much anymore. I don't really understand fear . . . What am I afraid of? What are most people afraid of? Who knows? I just don't think that I care about most things enough to be afraid of them . . . At least like thrill seeking, I think I might be an adrenaline junkie in the making. |
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| Hmm |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|11:01 am] |
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Waking up to the sounds of my room mate and his girlfriend fighting/breaking up is not nearly as fun as waking up to the sounds of them having sex. Oh paper thin walls, you are a blessing and a curse. |
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| All Songs |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|04:21 pm] |
So if you're into the whole NPR podcast thing, you really ought to check out "All Songs Considered" with Bob Boilan. It gives you a good cross section of what's going on right now on the indie scene across a number of genres. Also, they do a series of concerts called "the tiny desk series" where artists come do like a 3-4 song set in his office, it's pretty cool. This is of this swedish guy called The Tallest Man on Earth. It's really good like acoustic guitar folk/poetry. His voice is pretty interesting.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112764691&ft=1&f=92071316 |
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| Music |
[Sep. 23rd, 2009|11:55 pm] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | lots! | ] |
Because Libby asked, and because this seemed more enticing then reading about Latin America until I passed out, I'm going to put some links to some of the stuff I've been listening to lately, because I feel like I've been getting into a lot of new things, and just listening to a lot of music in general.
First, Grizzly Bear!
This is off their last album Yellow house, but Veckatimist, their new one is good too. I love this kind of folk pop stuff. A lot of the songs are really catchy, and smooth. I like stuff with tons of reverb that sounds like liquid sound.
Next, The Avett Brothers
This is off their (in my opinion) best record Emotionalism.
It's almost like emo bluegrass . . . We saw them live in Kansas City last month and it really won me over. A bunch of my friends had seen them here in Lawrence and had all raved about them, and I've really started to be won over. They play with such passion and conviction, it really catches you. I've played them a bunch on my radio show and I've had 3 people call in and ask who that was, and it seems like they're getting pretty big. They've got a new album coming out soon, and if it catches on they could get pretty big . . . Also, Asian country hipster cello player = awesome.
Bon Iver
This song's kind of gloomy, but it's really interesting. I like his voice, it's this guy who like locked himself up in a cabin and did all of this by himself. It's not all like this, but it's all pretty good.
My Morning Jacket
I like this song and this band a lot. Don't let the My . . . fool you, they're not an emo band. Really eclectic, like this song is definitely not representative of all of it, but again, it's mostly pretty good.
Dr. Dog!
It sounds like older classic rock, with a little big of a greatful dead/ beatles kind of thing, but it still sounds pretty indie rock, good harmonies. Stuff get's stuck in your head.
The Fruit Bats!
Ok, whoever posted this video put something weird before it, but this is a great song, and a cool band. This whole album is awesome, I liked it right away. Catchy pop songs that are kind of a mix between crosby stills and nash and the shins . . . or something like that.
Blitzen Trapper!
I don't know if I already posted this video or not, but I love this song and this band. Kind of like bob dylanesque indie folk . . . This song's pretty popular, and they're coming to the Jackpot! They came last year but it was during midterms so I didn't go! But I'll go this year.
Well that's probably enough for now. |
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| Hmm |
[Sep. 20th, 2009|01:03 am] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Black Moth Super Rainbow - The Sticky | ] |
So I haven't written here much lately. I've been trying to write in my real journal, but I'm rarely able to get more than 2 pages at one time. It could be because I always write in bed late at night . . . I need to start just devoting good focused time to writing, because I'm sure something interesting could come out. Where does all the time go? What happened to college being easy? Senior year is different, but I like rising to the challenge. I don't mind learning new things or even doing some assignments. But I don't like deadlines or grades . . . so it goes.
I'm never sure how I feel right now . . . I'd say I'm happy about 80% of the time, which you really can't complain about I guess, I don't know. Most of the time I'm really glad that I'm single, and I love the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I feel like it, and at this point in my life I really wouldn't trade that for much. However, there are those times, like 11:30 at night alone in my room where I feel a little lonely, but it is what it is. I mean, there's girls, there's always girls . . . I just never know what I'm doing, or what I want to do, or where I want things to go . . . sometimes I care too much, usually I care too little, but still probably too much . . . eh.
The one thing that I have not liked about this first month or so back at school is how little guitar playing I have done. There's always so much work, or people around or something . . . I need to fix that.
Well, off to do all of the crap I didn't do yesterday!
So much new music I've been listening to lately like this band!
Very trippy, but good . . . I got to see them live and open for the Flaming Lips and I had no idea who they were at the time, but I've since gotten pretty into it. I'll post some more links later of some other stuff. I also started using pandora the other day, a great resource. |
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| Hmm |
[Aug. 15th, 2009|12:25 am] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Grizzly Bear | ] |
Moved in to new apartment. It's been nice, getting settled in, doing loads of nothing. I think it's going to be a good school year. Though I'm really worried about class. I think classes are going to be harder than they ever have been, and I'm going to have so much more going on. I'm planning on getting a job, volunteering at the radio, maybe other volunteering, and I'll probably be going out a lot, and going to games and such . . . I don't know. I'm going to have to focus really hard on work. It will probably involve a lot of secluding myself in the library. I want this to be a good last year of school. And I have no idea what it will be like, what will happen, what I'll do when it's over, what I want, how I want to live, who I am . . . lots of things. But that's ok I guess, it doesn't really matter. Things will happen. |
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| Rave On |
[Jul. 20th, 2009|09:04 pm] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | M. Ward - Shangri la | ] |
Great video, and great song. I like this guy's voice a lot. Check him out for sure. M. Ward. Lately I've been really into artists whose guitar/singing style I want to work into my own and I really like his sound, laid back but soulful, low fi, lots of reverb, acoustic guitars, good stuff.
Hmm, so I've been wanting to write a lot, but then I just don't do it, but that's everyone. Summer is it's own thing, so different than the school year. Living at home, working with kids all day . . . it's fun in it's own way, but I'm about ready to go back. I'm really looking forward to early fall in Lawrence, I just love the weather. I love summertime so so so much, It makes me really sad that winter will come eventually. That's why I want to move away somewhere south and just skip winter all together. The fun part about this summer though is that I have tons of time for music! Also, I'm writing lots of songs, and playing lots of songs for the kids, so I'm forced to write and perform and practice, which I'm often too lazy/nervous to do. But I love it, there are days where I play 3 or 4 hours a day, and I never even realize it. I feel like I'm actually starting to become a decent guitar player, and I really just enjoy hearing the sounds that I can make. Hopefully I can start writing some stuff to perform soon, I want music to be a big part of my last year in Lawrence.
Working with kids is a great way to spend the summer. I've got the little ones this session, and while they can be the most work, they are rewarding in their own way. This week is theme week, and today was decade day, so we told the kids that their snack was going to be floats from the soda shop, but the man had shut it down, so we had to stage a protest in order to reopen it, so we made signs and had a march. Hearing 5 and 6 year olds chanting "What do we want? Soda Pop! When do we want it? Now!" Just makes me happy. It's just fun because we get to be teachers, coaches, mentors, directors, composers, designers all in a casual setting. Sometimes I think I'm starting to get a little burned out on it, but sometimes I still sit there, look around and go "this is my job. YES!" And it's the little things that make it the best. Today we took a bathroom break, and I stuck my head in the boys room to manage shennanigans, and a little boy who was sitting on the toilet said "Zappa, you're the best teacher ever, and an awesome guitar player!" And while yes, that is coming from a 6 year old, you know that it's genuine, and he really does mean it. So there you go, I guess I'll just gather all of my feelings of self worth and self esteem from the praise of children . . . there's worse things I guess.
So I was cleaning my room and I found the assignment sheet for "Me Bags" from Mrs. Hughes class, and I thought I would share them with everyone so that we could be reminded of how integral that class was to our education.
Me Bags
1. You will receive one plain bag from the teacher.
2. On the outside of the bag, glue pictures, magazine clippings, drawings, headlines, etc. which you feel describes how others see you. You must have a minimum of 6 items glued to your bag.
3. On the inside of the bag, you need to fill the bag with at least three items that answer the following questions: Who are you? What can you do? What do you know?
4. We will have time to work on the outside of your bag in class. However you must find your minimum of 3 items to fill your bag on your own time. Please make sure your 3 items fit inside the bag. Please do not bring expensive items to school.
5. Everyone will be required to share his or her "me bags" with the class.
(best part) Grading: outside of the bag 12 points, inside of the bag 12 points, Class Participation 20 points
Oh highschool. What a silly joke. |
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| Michael . . . |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
So at first I thought I was mourning the death of Michael Jackson as a humor thing . . . but it's starting to change . . . It's just weird because I think it's the first time that I've experienced the death of an artist who I still listen to regularly and have been really influenced by. I think it's kind of like how I thought the death of Paul McCartney would be. Like just yesterday I was listening to PYT from thriller at camp, and had no idea . . .
It makes you realize how much you are affected by music, and society in general. And I'm never sure how to feel about Michael Jackson. Yeah, he may have been a pedophile, but I wonder if it wasn't a consequence of the art, and mental illness . . . He was a very passionate artist, and really cared about his work and worked hard.
That and the dancing. I've spent my evening dancing like Mike around my house . . . probably the most influential dancer of our time. That and he really pioneered modern pop and r&b, mixing mo-town funk with electronic stuff, and rock and roll, creating a new style . . .
So I realize that this is just really lame gushing, but I like MJ, and I'm probably just going to listen to just him for the next week or so.
I think that my personal singing style has been impacted a lot by Michael Jackson. The high notes, the falsetto, the vibratto, the fierceness and power in the voice.
I also think the issue of race is very important with Michael Jackson. Is he black? Is he still? What is race? Why does it matter? How does it come through in the music.
But I am really impacted by popular culture, and music, and I like that . . . Michael just redefined what the music video was, including elements of musical theater, jazz, street dance. It's too bad that his art and work has been tarnished by societal pressures and other things.
I played Michael all day at camp, I figured the kids needed an education in classic music. It was fun to hear and see their reactions to the songs they didn't know, and the pictures in the booklet of the Thriller album. I think MJ really has become "classic" music, and even more so with his death. Thriller is just groundbreaking . . .
I also always love to see how American society deals with death in general. It's never smooth. We love nostalgia, and knowing every detail, and excessive praise. It's just very interesting to watch and observe.
Feel free to make fun of me for this, but fuck you, I like Michael Jackson. |
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| While I'm at it |
[Jun. 21st, 2009|04:18 pm] |
http://www.latfh.com/page/3
This site makes fun of hipsters, it's pretty funny. Oh subculture. I've been reading lots of blogs lately. Blogs and opinionated journalism. And watching the news, jeopardy and the daily show. I like knowing facts and talking points and current trends and problems. |
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| Fashion |
[Jun. 21st, 2009|04:06 pm] |
Interesting:
*Disclaimer* I did not write this. But I so totally agree with it.
In their head, they have been bombed with all of this shocking historical information that posits their ancestors and current relatives as the source of all evil. They walk around for a while in a kind of self-afflicted haze, repressing their guilt with pictures of their consumerist-family-value structures, suburban houses and corporate hang-outs, hollowed out and in ruins with the same violence their kin has bestowed on the rest of the world. Then after writing a few papers of an alternative constitution, the salvaging process of a new young white identity begins. They begin to collect marginalized cultures, discarded objects of mass production, and stuff they think no one cares about so they can be alone in the dilapidated corners of the equivalent of someone’s grandmother’s basement. Their bellies filled with food from dumpsters and their eyes full of tears and stimulants, they inhabit the closest to the burnt out, white spaces in their head–dirty cafes, empty galleries, dive bars where their construction worker uncle used to hang out–and try to remember to get cash from the ATM beforehand so they don’t have to touch their check card in front of the rest of society’s orphans.
By they I mean me. I don’t skulk around as much as this paragraph has supposed, but I guess I forgot to mention that all of this is very cool and fashionable. We emerge from our paid-for squat homes like raccoons wanting to be caught in someone’s garbage can, and that’s apparently exactly how we like to look when we’re photographed; mildly surprised to be flashed at in the dark but satisfied and a little cynical. Like, who gives a fuck? |
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| Anyone want to go to the Integratron? |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|07:41 pm] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | What you should be listening to |
| | Fleet Foxes | ] |
So this http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-outthere20-2008jun20,0,6416796.story?page=1 seems like one of the coolest things ever. Apparently it's this crazy dome built by a guy who claimed aliens gave him the plans, and it's like, acoustically perfect, and they offer "sound baths" which basically wash you with sound, and are apparently akin to a hallucinogenic experience. Some quotes I found.
"kindergarten nap time of the third kind"
on finding a way to stop aging- "I think we can all embrace that. People are starving. We are at war. We're morons," Joanne said, laughing. "Do I want to live to be 800 years old? Not really. But it would be fun to see what happens if we try."
I would really like to go. I really do believe in the power of music to affect you at some deep level, and I like the idea of people really harnessing it, and finding ways to use sound to alter consciousness. I think it's become a little cliche to claim music as a religion, but sometimes I think I do. Music does more for me than religion ever did. It's my reason.
For as long as I can remember I've had a cover on the lightswitch in my room that I had colored at church when I was very young that says "When I am afraid I trust in the lord." or something like that. Last night in a spontaneous fit I tore it off. For the last few years, looking at it and reading those words with the backdrop of my childhood scribbles made me angry and defiant, and last night I just had the urge to destroy it. My inner monologue upon seeing it has always been either, "when I am afraid, I will trust in myself" or "I am not afraid". Why should you be afraid? Of anything? The reality of course is that I am afraid of some things, but not the normal things I suppose.
I remember when I went through the battle with my mom over not going to church, the thing that stuck in my mind that she said was "I don't want you to go through life alone." And that was just the silliest thing to me. I'm not alone. My life is full of people. And even if it weren't, life itself is full of lots of things. Nobody is alone. I would argue that those who shut themselves off to many of life's experiences through the trappings of organized religion are more alone than I am, but hey, do what you want I guess.
So as part of our "training" for camp, our boss had a good friend of hers come in and analyze our "personality profiles" so that we could better understand how we operate, and how to better work together as a group. I got a lot more out of it than I thought I would. She had you fill out a questionnaire that had 2 identical lists of adjectives. On one, you had to check all those that you felt applied to yourself. On the other, you had to check all of those that you felt applied to how others view you, or expect you to act. From that, she was able to tell a lot of things about your personality that were surprisingly accurate. She then told her "findings" to you in the this really matter of fact manner that makes you internalize it, and even if it isn't completely true your mind finds ways to make it true. Like "you're the type of person that likes to really think about things, and analyze them from multiple angles, and if you make a mistake, you'll beat yourself up over it forever." Which is true. I think that's my favorite and least favorite aspect about myself. Super overthinking everything can lead to some interesting experiences, but not always happy ones. Meh. I think that's why I've come to cherish simple pleasures.
That's also why I love working with children. Like today I played water kickball with children where the bases were all kiddie pools and home plate was a tarp with water sprayed on it that you had to slide through. We didn't play with outs, and we just took turns letting each team bat through the order, and everyone got to run to every base, and slide home. Everybody was soaking wet, smelly, dirty, sun burnt, smiling, and laughing. At one point during the game one of my co-workers stopped, looked at me stunned and said "this is our job". Then she kicked a home run and everyone cheered. Why do some college students choose to spend their summers in an office? Why do some people choose to spend their lives in an office with suits? What's the point? I can honestly say that I would rather run around with children and eat ice cream than own a BMW. Or a really nice house. Or an insurance policy.
Well, I suppose I wrote a novel there . . . but it felt good. I haven't written in here like this in a while. I want to make a habit of it. But probably not on here. Probably in my actual journal. I just love summer. It's for sure my favorite season. I do like the heat. And blue skies, and driving with the windows down and music blaring. My mood is very much linked to the weather. I'm just so much more happy in the summer. Maybe I have seasonal depressive disorder. I don't really like the idea of accumulating personality disorders, but if I could get some good drugs during the winter time it might be worth trying to get diagnosed . . .
So I was hanging out with someone who kept prescription anti-depressants with them in their pocket wherever they went. And I thought "A doctor has decided that you are so fucked up in the head that you have earned the right to drug yourself whenever you the strains of life become too much." What an interesting concept. That's why drugs should be legal. Why do I need a doctor's approval to use drugs? The hippee in me wants to say "It's because they keep legal the drugs that make you more productive because society wants mindless efficient productivity machines" but eh, that's silly too I suppose. Still, the sociology of drugs in our society is really fascinating.
Scott's wedding was two weeks ago. That might be it's own post in itself, because it was an interesting experience, and there have been a whole host of thoughts and contemplations that have come with it, but I think I'll save all of that for another time. |
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whelshie's journal